Reflection

October 21, 2014, marks the one year anniversary of one of the most scary times of my life.  I remember right where I was and the events leading up to this date.  Nick and I had just returned from Dallas, where we spent Fall Break.  We try to get away every now and then and remember we are husband and wife before father and mother.  But this time was different.  Nick had been complaining about back problems for about a year (among other issues).  On this trip he hardly slept at all.  I remember waking up and he had been in the bath and then was laying on the bench at the end of the bed.  I remember talking to him over dinner at a very crowded and noisy restaurant and saying I wish he would just go to the doctor.  He and I both knew what the problem probably was but over our dinner was the first time either of us uttered the word, cancer.

That weekend he was finally persuaded that he needed to go to the doctor.  So after work on Monday, he went straight to the ER.  I was at dance with Lauren and Drew was with me, too.  I remember it was a chilly night and the moon was bright and sky was clear.  I just kept staring out the dance studio window praying and contemplating and breathing.  I knew what was going to happen and there was nothing I could do about it.  Finally, at around 11:00 p.m., he said they were sending him straight to Tulsa.  I called my mom and she selflessly drove up and stayed with the kids and got them ready for school the next day.  I couldn't get Nick's mom on the phone because it was her birthday and she was out celebrating.  What a call to get on your birthday.  I don't remember much about the trip to Tulsa, except for two things; getting stopped in a roadblock north of town and the song "Overcomer" by Mandisa, being one of the first songs we heard on the radio.

Being told someone you love has cancer is never easy but we were prepared and knew in advance what was probably going to happen.  I didn't have much time to process emotions because I was busy relaying information and making sure my work was in order and kids were ready for school and taken care of.  Busy-work keeps me from processing emotions and keeps me sane at times when I need to be the rock.

Preparing to let go of Nick in the surgeon's hands was the hardest part of the whole ordeal for me.  I didn't want to say goodbye even though I know he wasn't in danger.  It just made it REAL.  I will be forever grateful for my Dad and Mom coming up while Connie kept the kids, and having all of us and Nick's family circle around and pray.  Prayer, nothing else like it to calm the nerves.

When Nick was out of surgery, he almost immediately had no more back pain.  But because he had a large mass in the back of his abdomen, his testicular cancer was more advanced and required advance treatment.  So the treatment plan was 4 rounds of chemo, 5 days a week.  So Monday through Friday we spent all day in Tulsa, then he would go home for two weeks and get weaker and frailer and then do it all over again.  By the end of the fourth round my strong husband was, well, still my strong husband.  Maybe not physically and maybe not even emotionally, but he was spiritually strong.

I don't recall one time during this valley ever questioning God and His plan.  We both knew, God would heal.  The thing about healing, is that God's healing doesn't always occur on this side of Heaven.  But we were both at peace knowing good would come from this.  And if Nick having cancer meant a lost soul came to know our Healer, our Savior, well, a little baldness and sickness was probably worth it.

Nick is all good now.  He has clear scans every checkup and counts are great.  He is healed.  I, on the other hand, feel like I'm just processing what happened a year ago.  I go over and over in my head how I should have cared for him better, kept the kids quieter, etc.  I have to come to terms with myself and God about my family being complete as is and trusting that He knows better than me and will heal my heart.  In other words, I have to quit letting Satan try to steal my joy.  There is so much to be grateful for!

I know I could not have done anything without the help of SO MANY!  First, our family, for shuffling kids all over the place and Nick's parents and my Dad for going with Nick to chemo the few times I couldn't get away.  Our church family; for meals, cards, money and most importantly, prayer.  I know I didn't get all the thank-you notes written because I lost track of who brought what.  We are so blessed.  Our Blackgum church family, for their kindness and generous spirit and hearts.  They are some of the best people out there representing Christ.  My co-workers and bosses were great about letting me off all the time to be there with Nick and Nick's work was great too.  He missed half-days but only missed full days of work at the very end of chemo.  He is a trooper.  Lauren's teacher was great about making sure Lauren wasn't being emotionally affected too much and still doing well in school.  Deona, Nick's sister, came up most days and stayed with the kids and got them to school when I went with Nick to Tulsa.  I wouldn't have been able to go with Nick without someone watching the kids.

I'm looking forward to what this year has to bring us and how different this holiday season will be.  Nick will have an appetite, so I can cook!  We will get to spend Christmas at home and not in a cold hospital room.  He will feel like traveling to our family's houses and most importantly, our whole family will be together and not spread out all over Oklahoma.

Moral of the story; cancer is hard but it's not the hardest thing.  The hardest thing I think, is going through life and all of life's valleys and mountains without the HOPE that we have in Christ.  If Nick and I didn't believe that before a heartache can ever touch our lives, it has to go through His hands, I don't know if we would have made it.  Knowing that I'm not in control of cancer and I can't do much about it but turn it over to Christ, eases the burden.

If you don't know the kind of HOPE I speak of, you should give Jesus a chance.  Most people try everything under the sun to fill the void in their life, when only Jesus can fill it.  Only Jesus.  Trust Him with EVERYTHING; the big and the little.

Thank you, Jesus, for healing my husband.  Thank you, Jesus, for allowing so many around us to bless us with their gifts.  Thank you, Jesus, for lending us the best kids ever!  Thank you for awesome jobs and for always taking care of us wherever You lead.  Nick may have had cancer, but cancer never had us.

Blessings