Grief

All my life I've encountered grief.  And all my life I've learned to "deal with it".  But lately I've discovered that "dealing with it" was really not dealing with it at all.  All I was really doing was delaying the inevitable.  I am GREAT at pretending I can handle things like a champ.  Underneath all that perceived strength, is a wreck of a girl.

In the last month or so, I've gradually learned to allow myself to grieve.  And I've found that by doing so, I've got a lot of pent up grief just begging to be let out and set free.  I think as a Christian, I've often told myself that for the most part, the people I've lost in my life, I know to be in a better place.  So to me, that was supposed to fix all my sadness.  I shouldn't feel sad anymore that they are gone.  That would be selfish of me to wish them to still be here.  After all, they were in a better place, right?

But with the loss of my mother-in-law, I have discovered that the reason I carried this sadness with me and stuffed it in the untouchable places of my mind and heart, is because all the ones I've lost have played a part in who I am.  Maybe by not allowing myself to dwell on the piece of my heart they took with them, I could muster up the strength to keep on living.  But I have not been living.  For the better part of 13 years I have been existing.  

It started with the loss of my grandpa.  I followed the ambulance home from college one day, and as it approached my grandparent's house I had a sinking feeling it was meant for their home.  I arrived right after he died.  Three years later, my grandmother died.  Then about three years after that, my aunt died very unexpectedly.  All three of these deaths left big empty places in my heart but I had memories to help me keep them alive.  But I would not allow myself to dwell on those for fear of losing control of my emotions at inappropriate times.  

Somewhere in between all that, we lost Nick's aunt to cancer, while Nick's mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Angie's breast cancer battle lasted until her death.  She had many ups and downs but mostly downs.  It was so hard on her and I battled a lot with "why her?".  In 2013 my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer.  I was so tough throughout the whole 4 months or so of his treatment, or so it would seem.   It wasn't until after he was finished that I fell apart.  So much so that I sought medical help and was put on medicine for a while.  

It wasn't until, with the encouragement of a small circle of friends, did I seek help from a counselor.  I remember my first appointment and how scared I was.  I had no real idea why I was there, what my "issue" was.  I just knew what I had been doing was not working.  I was tired, exhausted really, and no longer recognized the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I went there thinking I needed communication help, marriage help, parenting help.  What I found was I needed help in learning how to let myself be myself.  Learn how to extend grace to myself that I so easily offered to others; learn how to forgive, not just me, but others, and learn how to talk about the hurts.  That it was okay to talk about the hurts and the grief.  That was the way to healing.

It is okay to grieve.  Jesus grieved.  I can grieve.  I don't have to act like I can handle it.  Because truth is, I can't.  I'm done with worrying about how I "should" act or how I "should" grieve.  I mostly worried about this because I didn't want to appear to non-believers to be doubting God.  But by not grieving, I was just distancing myself from God.  I have never felt so far from His love than I have now.  In my counseling, I found that I needed to remember why I first loved my husband.  I needed to remember the good about my kids and not get so hung up on where I've failed as their mother.  The same applies, maybe even more so, to when I first loved God.  I have to get back to my first love.  

You see, long before I met Nick and knew he was the one I would love forever, I had a man in my life.  He never failed me and He was such a good friend to lean on when I had no one.  I had such a sweet relationship with Jesus that I felt safe and secure.  But life happens and if you aren't careful, you will let it happen to you, and I gradually forgot my first love.  I replaced my first love and let lies and circumstances distance me from Him.  I have bought into the lie that I'm unlovable, that I question too much, and that I'm not supposed to feel that way about life because I trust in God.  

But the thing is, God already knows my thoughts.  So why do I try to hide my emotions and thoughts from the very One who created me to think the way I think?  To feel the way I feel?   I am a passionate girl.  I do whatever I do with my whole being.  So when I love, I love with all of me.  It's only natural that when I lose someone I love, that I feel that loss as passionately as I loved them.  God experienced grief when His only Son, Jesus, carried the weight of the sin of the world; past, present, and future.  How heavy that must have been!  I think God can handle my questions, my phases of grief, when I lose a loved one.  

So I've begun to grieve.  To grieve over my grandpa, grandma, and aunt.  To grieve over the many losses in Nick's family.  To grieve over friends and other family.  To grieve over the loss of dreams, the careers, and the other children I will never get to bring into this world.  To grieve over the wasted time I've spent existing instead of living. 

I want my kids to know that it's okay to grieve.  When they have seen my cry lately, I no longer try to hide it.  When they want to know what's wrong, I just say, "I miss MeeMaw" or "Look at all the yellow roses today.  They were her favorite."  I think it's healthy for them to see that I hurt and that they can feel safe to come to me if they need to grieve.  

But the catch is to not stay in a lifestyle of grief.  Grief is good, yes, but staying there, well, that can become a different problem.  Allow yourself to remember, to cry, to miss them.  But then remember to rejoice!  Death has already been defeated and that is cause for rejoicing!  When I allow myself to grieve, I give myself permission to heal and to be rid of the ugly, so I can make room for the joy!  

And that's really what this walk with Jesus is all about.  Being real and honest, being approachable and loving, but letting the joy of Christ exude from your soul in such a way, that there is no denying there is something different about you.  It's okay to let others see you grieve.  I think it makes others see you as no different then them.  But when you can grieve and still rejoice?  Well, there is no other explanation than to say it's because of the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding.  

I am free in Christ.  Free to grieve, free to rejoice, free to love, free to remember.  I hope that when you encounter someone that has experienced loss, that you remember to let them grieve, to encourage them to rejoice, and to remind them to never forget their first love.