Grief

All my life I've encountered grief.  And all my life I've learned to "deal with it".  But lately I've discovered that "dealing with it" was really not dealing with it at all.  All I was really doing was delaying the inevitable.  I am GREAT at pretending I can handle things like a champ.  Underneath all that perceived strength, is a wreck of a girl.

In the last month or so, I've gradually learned to allow myself to grieve.  And I've found that by doing so, I've got a lot of pent up grief just begging to be let out and set free.  I think as a Christian, I've often told myself that for the most part, the people I've lost in my life, I know to be in a better place.  So to me, that was supposed to fix all my sadness.  I shouldn't feel sad anymore that they are gone.  That would be selfish of me to wish them to still be here.  After all, they were in a better place, right?

But with the loss of my mother-in-law, I have discovered that the reason I carried this sadness with me and stuffed it in the untouchable places of my mind and heart, is because all the ones I've lost have played a part in who I am.  Maybe by not allowing myself to dwell on the piece of my heart they took with them, I could muster up the strength to keep on living.  But I have not been living.  For the better part of 13 years I have been existing.  

It started with the loss of my grandpa.  I followed the ambulance home from college one day, and as it approached my grandparent's house I had a sinking feeling it was meant for their home.  I arrived right after he died.  Three years later, my grandmother died.  Then about three years after that, my aunt died very unexpectedly.  All three of these deaths left big empty places in my heart but I had memories to help me keep them alive.  But I would not allow myself to dwell on those for fear of losing control of my emotions at inappropriate times.  

Somewhere in between all that, we lost Nick's aunt to cancer, while Nick's mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Angie's breast cancer battle lasted until her death.  She had many ups and downs but mostly downs.  It was so hard on her and I battled a lot with "why her?".  In 2013 my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer.  I was so tough throughout the whole 4 months or so of his treatment, or so it would seem.   It wasn't until after he was finished that I fell apart.  So much so that I sought medical help and was put on medicine for a while.  

It wasn't until, with the encouragement of a small circle of friends, did I seek help from a counselor.  I remember my first appointment and how scared I was.  I had no real idea why I was there, what my "issue" was.  I just knew what I had been doing was not working.  I was tired, exhausted really, and no longer recognized the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I went there thinking I needed communication help, marriage help, parenting help.  What I found was I needed help in learning how to let myself be myself.  Learn how to extend grace to myself that I so easily offered to others; learn how to forgive, not just me, but others, and learn how to talk about the hurts.  That it was okay to talk about the hurts and the grief.  That was the way to healing.

It is okay to grieve.  Jesus grieved.  I can grieve.  I don't have to act like I can handle it.  Because truth is, I can't.  I'm done with worrying about how I "should" act or how I "should" grieve.  I mostly worried about this because I didn't want to appear to non-believers to be doubting God.  But by not grieving, I was just distancing myself from God.  I have never felt so far from His love than I have now.  In my counseling, I found that I needed to remember why I first loved my husband.  I needed to remember the good about my kids and not get so hung up on where I've failed as their mother.  The same applies, maybe even more so, to when I first loved God.  I have to get back to my first love.  

You see, long before I met Nick and knew he was the one I would love forever, I had a man in my life.  He never failed me and He was such a good friend to lean on when I had no one.  I had such a sweet relationship with Jesus that I felt safe and secure.  But life happens and if you aren't careful, you will let it happen to you, and I gradually forgot my first love.  I replaced my first love and let lies and circumstances distance me from Him.  I have bought into the lie that I'm unlovable, that I question too much, and that I'm not supposed to feel that way about life because I trust in God.  

But the thing is, God already knows my thoughts.  So why do I try to hide my emotions and thoughts from the very One who created me to think the way I think?  To feel the way I feel?   I am a passionate girl.  I do whatever I do with my whole being.  So when I love, I love with all of me.  It's only natural that when I lose someone I love, that I feel that loss as passionately as I loved them.  God experienced grief when His only Son, Jesus, carried the weight of the sin of the world; past, present, and future.  How heavy that must have been!  I think God can handle my questions, my phases of grief, when I lose a loved one.  

So I've begun to grieve.  To grieve over my grandpa, grandma, and aunt.  To grieve over the many losses in Nick's family.  To grieve over friends and other family.  To grieve over the loss of dreams, the careers, and the other children I will never get to bring into this world.  To grieve over the wasted time I've spent existing instead of living. 

I want my kids to know that it's okay to grieve.  When they have seen my cry lately, I no longer try to hide it.  When they want to know what's wrong, I just say, "I miss MeeMaw" or "Look at all the yellow roses today.  They were her favorite."  I think it's healthy for them to see that I hurt and that they can feel safe to come to me if they need to grieve.  

But the catch is to not stay in a lifestyle of grief.  Grief is good, yes, but staying there, well, that can become a different problem.  Allow yourself to remember, to cry, to miss them.  But then remember to rejoice!  Death has already been defeated and that is cause for rejoicing!  When I allow myself to grieve, I give myself permission to heal and to be rid of the ugly, so I can make room for the joy!  

And that's really what this walk with Jesus is all about.  Being real and honest, being approachable and loving, but letting the joy of Christ exude from your soul in such a way, that there is no denying there is something different about you.  It's okay to let others see you grieve.  I think it makes others see you as no different then them.  But when you can grieve and still rejoice?  Well, there is no other explanation than to say it's because of the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding.  

I am free in Christ.  Free to grieve, free to rejoice, free to love, free to remember.  I hope that when you encounter someone that has experienced loss, that you remember to let them grieve, to encourage them to rejoice, and to remind them to never forget their first love.

A Mother's Day Confession

I have been very selfish this week.  Kids are wrapping up school and all their many activities; Nick has been working long nights and weekends; and my patience ran dry before the week began.  It's true that the mom's attitude reflects in your family's life.  It's hard for a momma to make that conscious decision to choose kind words and a loving attitude when she really doesn't feel like it.  I tend to feel like a less than deserving person when Mother's Day rolls around.  I am REALLY great at setting unattainable goals for myself in what kind of mother I should be.  And then when I fail (because I do) I get discouraged and think these kids deserve better/someone else.  But God chose to give them to me to raise, and since He knows better than I, I need to count my blessings and quit trying to be perfect.   I need to just be the mom who is quick to forgive and ask for forgiveness, who is full of grace and understanding, and who is able to jump on those teachable moments and know that they won't remember all of your faults.

Thanks to my mom, I've learned, and I am still learning, how to grow as a mom.  My mom has always told me, happiness is a choice.  Look for the good in every circumstance and choose joy.  When the kids drive you crazy, just remember they are probably just as tired as you are and there is usually a deeper reason for their behavior.  And when there are 15 kids (okay, maybe just 4 girls but can feel like 15) in your home every afternoon, be glad they want to hang out at your home where you know where they are and what they are doing.  Pick your battles and pray.

This year Mother's Day is causing me to think about those precious mommas who have never known their child.  There are so many moms who have suffered miscarriages, abortions, or infertility.  What must Mother's Day feel like for them?  What about the kids without mothers?  If you know someone that Mother's Day might not be a joyful occasion, reach out and offer them a hug or a "Thank you".  Chances are they have mothered someone along the way, whether or not it was their biological child. Let's not let them be forgotten.

And when Mother's Day is over and you are facing unending loads of laundry, 50 cups in the sink when only 4 people live in your home, snacks stocking your pantry because you are the neighborhood  soup kitchen, be grateful.  It just means you have kids to take care of and lives to impact for such a short time before they're gone.  

Reflection

October 21, 2014, marks the one year anniversary of one of the most scary times of my life.  I remember right where I was and the events leading up to this date.  Nick and I had just returned from Dallas, where we spent Fall Break.  We try to get away every now and then and remember we are husband and wife before father and mother.  But this time was different.  Nick had been complaining about back problems for about a year (among other issues).  On this trip he hardly slept at all.  I remember waking up and he had been in the bath and then was laying on the bench at the end of the bed.  I remember talking to him over dinner at a very crowded and noisy restaurant and saying I wish he would just go to the doctor.  He and I both knew what the problem probably was but over our dinner was the first time either of us uttered the word, cancer.

That weekend he was finally persuaded that he needed to go to the doctor.  So after work on Monday, he went straight to the ER.  I was at dance with Lauren and Drew was with me, too.  I remember it was a chilly night and the moon was bright and sky was clear.  I just kept staring out the dance studio window praying and contemplating and breathing.  I knew what was going to happen and there was nothing I could do about it.  Finally, at around 11:00 p.m., he said they were sending him straight to Tulsa.  I called my mom and she selflessly drove up and stayed with the kids and got them ready for school the next day.  I couldn't get Nick's mom on the phone because it was her birthday and she was out celebrating.  What a call to get on your birthday.  I don't remember much about the trip to Tulsa, except for two things; getting stopped in a roadblock north of town and the song "Overcomer" by Mandisa, being one of the first songs we heard on the radio.

Being told someone you love has cancer is never easy but we were prepared and knew in advance what was probably going to happen.  I didn't have much time to process emotions because I was busy relaying information and making sure my work was in order and kids were ready for school and taken care of.  Busy-work keeps me from processing emotions and keeps me sane at times when I need to be the rock.

Preparing to let go of Nick in the surgeon's hands was the hardest part of the whole ordeal for me.  I didn't want to say goodbye even though I know he wasn't in danger.  It just made it REAL.  I will be forever grateful for my Dad and Mom coming up while Connie kept the kids, and having all of us and Nick's family circle around and pray.  Prayer, nothing else like it to calm the nerves.

When Nick was out of surgery, he almost immediately had no more back pain.  But because he had a large mass in the back of his abdomen, his testicular cancer was more advanced and required advance treatment.  So the treatment plan was 4 rounds of chemo, 5 days a week.  So Monday through Friday we spent all day in Tulsa, then he would go home for two weeks and get weaker and frailer and then do it all over again.  By the end of the fourth round my strong husband was, well, still my strong husband.  Maybe not physically and maybe not even emotionally, but he was spiritually strong.

I don't recall one time during this valley ever questioning God and His plan.  We both knew, God would heal.  The thing about healing, is that God's healing doesn't always occur on this side of Heaven.  But we were both at peace knowing good would come from this.  And if Nick having cancer meant a lost soul came to know our Healer, our Savior, well, a little baldness and sickness was probably worth it.

Nick is all good now.  He has clear scans every checkup and counts are great.  He is healed.  I, on the other hand, feel like I'm just processing what happened a year ago.  I go over and over in my head how I should have cared for him better, kept the kids quieter, etc.  I have to come to terms with myself and God about my family being complete as is and trusting that He knows better than me and will heal my heart.  In other words, I have to quit letting Satan try to steal my joy.  There is so much to be grateful for!

I know I could not have done anything without the help of SO MANY!  First, our family, for shuffling kids all over the place and Nick's parents and my Dad for going with Nick to chemo the few times I couldn't get away.  Our church family; for meals, cards, money and most importantly, prayer.  I know I didn't get all the thank-you notes written because I lost track of who brought what.  We are so blessed.  Our Blackgum church family, for their kindness and generous spirit and hearts.  They are some of the best people out there representing Christ.  My co-workers and bosses were great about letting me off all the time to be there with Nick and Nick's work was great too.  He missed half-days but only missed full days of work at the very end of chemo.  He is a trooper.  Lauren's teacher was great about making sure Lauren wasn't being emotionally affected too much and still doing well in school.  Deona, Nick's sister, came up most days and stayed with the kids and got them to school when I went with Nick to Tulsa.  I wouldn't have been able to go with Nick without someone watching the kids.

I'm looking forward to what this year has to bring us and how different this holiday season will be.  Nick will have an appetite, so I can cook!  We will get to spend Christmas at home and not in a cold hospital room.  He will feel like traveling to our family's houses and most importantly, our whole family will be together and not spread out all over Oklahoma.

Moral of the story; cancer is hard but it's not the hardest thing.  The hardest thing I think, is going through life and all of life's valleys and mountains without the HOPE that we have in Christ.  If Nick and I didn't believe that before a heartache can ever touch our lives, it has to go through His hands, I don't know if we would have made it.  Knowing that I'm not in control of cancer and I can't do much about it but turn it over to Christ, eases the burden.

If you don't know the kind of HOPE I speak of, you should give Jesus a chance.  Most people try everything under the sun to fill the void in their life, when only Jesus can fill it.  Only Jesus.  Trust Him with EVERYTHING; the big and the little.

Thank you, Jesus, for healing my husband.  Thank you, Jesus, for allowing so many around us to bless us with their gifts.  Thank you, Jesus, for lending us the best kids ever!  Thank you for awesome jobs and for always taking care of us wherever You lead.  Nick may have had cancer, but cancer never had us.

Blessings

I Must be Wishing It was Fall...

So, when I get in the cooking and baking mood, I tend to go with soups or warm, fall desserts.  Doesn't matter that it feels like 100+ degrees outside or that my stove and oven will be on all day.  Warm soups,  apples, they are comfort to me.  So last night I made Ravioli Stew (recipe to follow) and an Apple Cream Cheese Bundt Cake with Caramel Pecan Frosting.  Lauren told me after taking her first bite of this cake that I make the best cakes ever and was saying please and thank you like it was effortless (yes, we may have cake for dessert every night).

I must have known my family would need some comforting.  We received some unexpected news of a death in the family.  Nick had no more than finished his dinner and left to pick up Lauren from a play date when he got the call.  He is always so good to care for his family and help comfort those despite his own mourning.  When he made it back home, there was a yummy cake waiting for him (Yes, I know we are not to comfort ourselves with food.  I think most of you understand what I'm meaning by "comfort food".)

I've made the Ravioli Stew since Nick and I got married and have made it for work luncheons many times.  It is super easy and full of veggies and my kids eat it, so double bonus!  Here it is, hope you enjoy!

Ravioli Stew

1 Tbsp olive oil
3 medium carrots (chopped)
2 medium ribs celery (chopped)
1 medium onion (chopped)
1 (1 lb. 10 oz.) jar pasta sauce
1 (14.5 oz) can chicken broth
1 cup water
1 package (12-16 oz) fresh or frozen ravioli (cooked and drained)

In 6 qt saucepan, heat oil over medium-high heat and cook carrots, celery and onions 8 minutes or until golden.

Stir in sauce, broth and water.  Bring to a boil over high heat.  Reduce heat to low and simmer, covered, for 15 minutes. 

These are the raviolis I used.  I've used cheese and meat, square and round, but my family tends to like the square, cheese ones the best.

Just before serving, stir in hot ravioli and season, if desired, with salt and pepper.  Garnish, if desired, with basil.  (I didn't use salt, pepper or basil this time.)

Finished product!

And here's my cake but you can use the link above to see a much better picture from the original source.  I did not add the pecans on top because the frosting set up really fast.

I hope you enjoy at least one of these recipes, even though it's not fall.  

{Please keep Nick's family in your prayers. His mom's family has lost many close family members in a very short time. It's never easy, no matter how strong your faith is. Times like this I often wonder how people without faith make it through, well, life. So very thankful for my God who is the Healer and who answers every, EVERY, prayer. His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways. Things are not always for us to understand.}

New Beginning

Hi there!  This is my first post on this new blog.  My hopes for this blog are to connect with those near and dear to my heart and to encourage those who read.

A little about me:  I am a dreamer, a big dreamer.  Go big or go home, right?  I am a perfectionist (not a surprise to most who know me).  I am very uptight and high-strung and never thought I would be that way...think it comes from some OCD behavior and my perfectionism.  I do not know how to relax, at all.  I am a family girl and a homebody at heart.  I love me some basketball and OU football.  I love to cook, Zumba and spend time with my kids (more on them in a bit).  I am deeply in love with my husband and I am learning to reflect God's love, mercy and grace for us everyday.

So, let me introduce you (or reintroduce you) to the Jones clan:

This would be the hubby and I, clearly he is the better half.

                                        

     

This is Lauren, 8 years young next month.  

   

This is Andrew (Drew), 3 years young on Friday.  

It is obvious that we are blessed beyond measure and will certainly have our hands full with fighting off boys and helping heal all the hearts Drew is gonna break.  

Nick and I have been married for 9 years (whoa) this past June.  So blessed to have a man who chased God's heart in such a way that he was running right beside me.  (That is how you build a strong, marriage foundation by the way, with Christ as your cornerstone.)  He and I are blessed with fantastic jobs that are demanding and challenging and very time consuming (what job isn't?).  But they are rewarding jobs and we are truly thankful.  Especially since Lauren is a dancing machine (ballet/tap and lyrical added this year) and Drew says he is playing basketball, football, baseball and soccer.  Lord help us.  

Lauren is a very artistic person; music, dancing, singing, that is her passion.  Drew is into sports (he starts soccer this fall) and he is a BIG TIME car guy.  His favorite book?  One of those coffee table books from Barnes & Noble that is just pictures of cars.  His favorite car that he tells me he wants?  An orange Corvette, although his daddy likes to talk him into an Aston Martin DBS.  

Nick is quite fantastic at woodworking.  Here are some samples of things he's made since the beginning of the year.  

Told ya he was fantastic.

So, in ending and so there is no mistake that we are anywhere close to being perfect...

Or this could be the very reason why we are the perfect people, for each other.  (Yes, I know, there are no embarrassing photos of Nick and I.  I will have to do some digging and it's really not about us anyway.)

Stay tuned next week....Drew's Hot Wheels birthday party is this weekend!

I am a Promise.  I am a Possibility.  

I am a Promise, with a capital P.  I am a great big bundle of, Potentiality.  

And I am learning, to hear God's voice.  

And I am trying, to make the right choice. 

I am a Promise to be, anything God wants me to be.